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More Funny Stuff!!

""Addicted to the net 2""  You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out." You want to meet someone new and your first impulse is to turn on your computer. You get onto an airplane just to meet some folks face to face. You have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's. You join "Si habla Espanol" (the Spanish chat room) "just to work on my Spanish." You type "drinking on IRC is better than drinking alone." You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail letting everyone know you are going to be away. For just a little while. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it. You no longer type with proper punctuation; Capitalization - or complete sentences... like the ones that run On and On and you never know when they are going to End or not but you don't really care anyway because you're online and nobody uses that stuff anyway You have met more than 100 AOL subscribers. In person. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing. Someone at the office says, "What did you say?" and you reply, "Scroll up!" You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is alseep. You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't  know you are online again. You know more about your online friends daily routines than you do your own spouse's. You find yourself lying to others about your time online, and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook. Or that the dog ate it. You have an identity crisis if someone else is using a screen  name similar to yours. You would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of being online all night. You change screen names so much that you have to get your profile to see who you are. You're broke, your modem burns out, and then you go out on the streets to sell your belongings so you can get a new one. You marry your cyber boy/girlfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other from across the room. Your dog leaves you. You have to ask what time it is. You have to ask what day it is. You have written a letter like this: "dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well i gotta go bbl! You look at an annoying person offline and wish you had your ignore button handy. You bring a bag lunch to the computer. Your significant other kisses your neck while you are chatting and you think "Uh oh... a cyber sex perv's after me!" You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours. You use online lingo in real life (applies only to those who still have a real life). You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling. Your notify list has over 100 people on it. You have blocked more than 100 people from putting you on their buddy lists. Your worst comeback to a bully is "I'll slap you with a rubber chicken." You wake up in the morning and get online before you have your first cup of coffee. You have your computer set up so that it goes online at startup. You don't know where the time has gone. You end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in longhand. You get up at 2:00 am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer "to check for mail." You spell things out loud instead of actually saying the word. You don't even notice typos anymore. And you work as a proofreader. Twenty-three people greet you with {{{Hugs}}} or ***Kisses*** when you enter a room. You get mad when twenty-three people don't greet you with {{{Hugs}}} or ***Kisses*** when you enter a room. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme. Your voice mail message is "BRB, leave your screen name and I will TTYL." And people do. You type faster than you think. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL and are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at the office. You want your computer to be buried with you when you die... or vice versa. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted. You can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie, including the Best Boy, Dolly Grip and Production Accountant. People say, "If it weren't for the super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have classified as a vegetable long ago." You dream in text. Being called a newbie is a MAJOR insult There is absolutely no interesting chat in the room and you are really bored - yet you don't want to leave in case you miss something. You double click your TV remote. You can now type over 70 WPM. You think about starting a 12 step recovery group for AOL junkies. You are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say "BRB" or "BBL." You check your e-mail and forget you have real mail. You go into withdrawals during dinner. (Note: This does not apply to single people, who take their meals at the keyboard). You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room. You stop speaking in full sentences. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room and ended up giving advice to other addicts. You have to be pried from your computer with the Jaws Of Life. The Jaws Of Life don't do the trick. Your last sexual experience was really just a textual experience. While cooking dinner, you "just wanted to check your mail," and while you were there you "just wanted to see who was on." The resulting fire caused $12,000 in damage. You meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen names. Tech Support calls you for help. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on. ""Personality Test"" In this Reading, you will use the numbers associated with your birth date to determine the card(s) that represent your general situation in life, your Key Card, or mascot. Here's how: Simply add up the month, day, and year of your birth, like this: August 29, 1952 = 8 + 29 + 1952 = 1989 Then add up the result: 1989 = 1 + 9 + 8 +9 = 27 Now reduce this number by adding it up once more. You should get a number of 10 or less: 27 = 2 + 7 = 9 If this step adds up exactly to 10, reduce it again to 1, only if the day of the month in which you were born is an odd number; leave it as 10 if the day on which you were born is an even number. The number you got as your final result corresponds to a category listed below.  1. The Magician 6. The Lovers 2. The High Priestess 7. The Chariot 3. The Empress 8. Justice 4. The Emperor 9. The Hermit 5. The Hierophant10. Wheel of Fortune  1. The Magician: This is the card of people who control their own destinies. Magicians have the ability to make things happen. If this is your Key Card, you are particularly good at influencing- even controlling - your own environment. You are capable of leading a highly directed, determined life by focusing your energy on achieving all the things that matter in this world: career and status, love and happiness, money and possessions, power and glory. If you are like most people, however, you will need to choose one of these areas to master. The choice is yours. 2. The High Priestess: This is the card of people who know without knowing. High Priestesses have the ability to know or feel things. If this is your Key Card, you are the kind of person who can trust your gut feelings, hunches, inner voice and dreams. When in doubt, you go with your instincts. You may have an uncanny sense of direction. You may even describe yourself as psychic. In general, you will feel your way through life as if you were navigating a familiar stream. The past, present and future can click together for you, but you may need to strike a balance between body and mind (conscious and subconscious) in order to achieve your full potential. 3. The Empress: This is the card of people who are in touch with their environment. Empresses have the ability to create and influence the things around them. If this is your Key Card, things grow, develop and mature under your careful attention. You are good at parenting, mentoring, coaching, and in other ways of bringing out the skills and talents of others. You may also be rather prolific yourself. You appreciate that there is an ecological balance to be maintained, that everything depends on everything else. In order to achieve your goals, however, you may have to wait a period on time for the things you desire to come about. 4. The Emperor: This is the card of people who are natural-born leaders. Emperors authoritative. And they know how to get to the top. If this is your Key Card, you are the kind of person who likes to live according to the rules (which you help make). And, within this framework, you are extremely capable of making your own decisions. You will also decide things for others. They may respect, honor, and even obey your opinions. You like to rule the roost. But in order to achieve your full potential, you may have to temper your own temper. Learn to respect the opinions of those whose support you depend upon. And be ready to defend your territory. 5. The Hierophant: This is the card of people who have faith. Hierophants have the ability to believe in things. If this is your Key Card, your life is knit together by a highly organized system of beliefs. You may hunger after idealistic, patriotic, moral, or religious ideas. You may have a strong sense of standards, ethics and traditions. You may even require a rigid structure (or hierarchic scheme) in your life. To achieve your full potential, you need to dedicate yourself to pursuits that serve a higher purpose. This card can also indicate that you feel a need for public acceptance. You want to fit in. You want to belong. 6. The Lovers: This is the card of people who are passionate. Lovers have the ability to care deeply about things. They have the ability to care about each other. If this is your Key Card, you are the sort of person who feels hopelessly attracted to someone else. This could mean that infatuations will be a common experience for you, or it could mean that you will have the great fortune to find true love in this life, and it will be "love at first sight." But beware, your true love may not be another person. It may, in fact, strike you as a deep, enduring passion for some kind of work, which you will pursue relentlessly. To achieve your full potential, you must choose something that will love (or reward) you back. 7. The Chariot: This is the card of people who are heroes. Charioteers have the ability to conquer things. They can do the impossible If this is your Key Card, you will know the thrill of victory in you life, like a surge of adrenaline. You may work long hours and appear to run on high-test, for you thrive on challenging situations and will stay up all night to complete projects. You will take your share of risks. It is not so much the fact that you are fearless (for you may desperately fear failure) but that you are relentless that distinguishes you. You not only keep score buy you like to overcome great odds, playing things right down to the wire. To achieve your full potential in this life, you need to strike a balance between self-confidence and winning strategies. 8. Justice: This is the card of people who are good critics. Justices have the ability to evaluate things. They can cut through the crap of this world and get to the point. They can see what is written between the lines. If this is your Key Card, you are a very insightful person, fair-minded, even-tempered and a good listener. You want to hear both sides of a story before coming to your own conclusions. But with such a capacity for insight comes an obligation, too. To achieve your full potential you may need to learn how to be forgiving. 9. The Hermit: This is the card of people who have grown wise. Hermits have the ability to understand things. They are the loners of this world. If this is your Key Card, you may like to retreat to your study at night or get off to that cabin in the woods - not just to rest, mind you, but to be alone with your thoughts, even to meditate or pray. Your job in life is to hold up a light for others to follow. To achieve your full potentials, you must come back from your hermitage eventually to tell others what you have seen, heard and learned. 10. Wheel of Fortune: This is the card of people who are fortunate. Wheel of Fortune people have the ability to benefit from change. If this is your Key Card, you may even feel as if Lady Luck shines on you when things happen around you, it always seems as if it's for the better. You always seem to not only make it through the bad times but to come out better off in the end. To achieve your full potential, though, you may need to work on improving your ability to predict and anticipate when things are about to change.

FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like, night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. 9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 10. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 11. Remember half the people you know are below average. 12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? 13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool. 14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 15. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. 20. I intend to live forever - so far so good. 21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back. 22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 23. Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states. 24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. 25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. 26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. 27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going

  ""THINGS MAMA TAUGHT ME""'Thanks Pat!! MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......'LOGIC' "If you fall of that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......MEDICINE "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......TO THINK AHEAD "If you don't pass your spelling test, you are never going to get a good job." MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......ESP "Put your sweater on, Don't you think I know when your cold?" MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......TO MEET A CHALLENGE "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you….Don't talk back to me." MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......HUMOR "When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......HOW TO BE AN ADULT "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......SEX "How do you think you got here?" MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......GENETICS "You are just like your father." MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT MY......ROOTS "Do you think you were born in a barn? MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......THE WISDOM OF AGE "When you get to be my age, you will understand." MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......ANTICIPATION "Just wait until your father gets home." MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......RECEIVING "You are going to get it when we get home." AND MY ALL TIME FAVORITE THING......JUSTICE "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU.....then you'll see what it's like." Did you see your parents or yourself in here somewhere? Send this on to a friend so they can have a chuckle


Zodiacal Zephyri Acrophonology!!!

What's in your name!!
Try it!!! See What Your IQ is !!
Take the test!!
12 steps to E-Mail addiction!!!
This is soooooo funny!!!

""You might be a NETAHOLIC IF""
R U One?

""COFFEE PRAYER""
CAFFINE!

""KIDS"" A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."   ***** Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."   ***** On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"   ***** A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."   ***** A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

The Washington Post Report asked their readers how they would tell Gen-Xers how much harder "we" had it in the "old days." Second Runner-Up: ==================== In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: =================== In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45's and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45's always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today. (Russell Beland, Springfield) And the winner: ================== In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Honorable Mentions: =================== In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon. (Russell Beland, Springfield) In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as GKK --- GAAK! Urrgh ... Thud. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him. (Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover) In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms together. (Diana Hugue, Bowie) In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did. (Peg Sheeran, Vienna)

State Motos Translated!!
Just a Joke!!

The Shining!!
A neat little movie!!

The Love Calculator!!
See who loves ya baby!!

Bathroom Scribbles!!
FUNNY!!

Tests,Tests & More Tests!!!
Every kind of trivia..And lots of quizzes!!!

Name that TV Tune!!!
This is a lot of fun!!! And they have pages of tunes to guess!!

CowPokinFun!!
Western Humor!!!