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Funny Stuff!!

"Diet Rules For Cheaters" >> <<< 1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do. 4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. 5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. 6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. 7. Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by TEXAS D'LITES distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients. 8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae. 9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. 10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.
David Letterman's Top Ten List Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much 10.Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you. 9.Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall. 8.You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis. 7.Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet. 6.You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July. 5.World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!" 4.CBS tells you to lose weight or else. 3.Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department. 2.Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt. 1.You're sweatin' gravy. TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE "WEBBED OUT" 10. Your opening line is, "So what's your home page address?" 9. Your best friend is someone you've never met. 8. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 1.1" on one of the clouds. 7. You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when you encounter a Web page with no links. 6. You feel driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day. 5. You are diving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on puddle, sending your car careening toward the flimsy guard rail that separates you from the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death. You look for the "Back" button. 4. You visit "The Really Big Button that Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again. 3. Your dog has his own Web page 2. So does your hamster. ... And the No. 1 sign that you have overdosed on the WWW: When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.
Strange But True Facts!!!!!
"TEENAGER"(Noun) A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in groups in front of television sets (See SLOTHS). Thought to be a member of Homo Sapiens due to physical similarities, though social and emotional behavior leads many researchers to consider Teenagers to be a completely different species altogether (See PARENTS). Very territorial. (See ITS MY ROOM STAY OUT OF MY ROOM.) Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their peer groups to such a great extent they will forgo family, chores, food, and responsibility (See FATHERS, QUOTATIONS OF). The males of the species forage for food constantly (See MCDONALD'S) and can consume three times their weight every day. When in full plumage, the males are usually drab, marked by loose fitting garments which slide off their backsides and look ridiculous (See FATHERS, QUOTATIONS OF). The females, on the other hand, sport striking colors under their eyes, throughout their hair, and on the tips of their fingers. Females often attract males by wearing garments to accentuate chest development (See WONDER BRAS). Males indicate their approval by staring at the display (See FATHERS, HEART ATTACKS OF). The call of the female is complex and shrill: "Like, O m'Gosh! O m' Gosh!" Males are less vocal, signaling to other males with a salutatory "Yo. Yo. Yo. S'up? S'up? S'up?" Teenagers line their nests with discarded undergarments. The females hold telephone receivers to their ears an average of six hours a day. When challenged for possession, they snarl and warn intruders "I'm doing my HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK." The males lie immobile for hours at a time, conserving energy and listening to violent electronic signals from radios. Male Teenagers concentrate on important information (See FATHERS, LECTURES OF) by rolling their eyes, shrugging, kicking dirt and sighing. Females burst into tears and slam doors. Many Homo Sapiens families have a host-to-parasite relationship with one (See STRESS) or more than one (See EXTREME STRESS) Teenager. These host families often develop a resistance to the parasite, rejecting them some time in the eighteenth year of life. Often, though, this rejection is merely theoretical, with the Teenager continuing to live off of the host Homo Sapiens family for many years afterward, often at great sacrifice (See COLLEGE). 2) Of, relating to, and especially EXPLAINING irrational, intolerable, or inexplicable behavior. ("She's a Teenager.") 3) A request for sympathy, offered by adult parents to each other in support. ("I have a Teenager at home.") Often accompanied by sighs, headshaking, tongue clucking, and shoulder shrugging.


Lessons Grown-ups Learn From Kids Thank you to Amanda's Humor Collection! There is no such thing as child-proofing your house. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh" it's already too late. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. Super glue is forever. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jello. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

Do you Belive?

~~~~~~??Do You Belive??~~~~~~~~~~~
Do You Belive In Miracales????

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How does a man define a 50/50 relationship? She cooks/I eat; she cleans/I dirty; she irons/I wrinkle.
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you? If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Money talks. Chocolate sings. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit. If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
Cute!!!! ""These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations.Is there someone like this where you work???? 1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2) "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." 3) "I would not allow this employee to breed." 4) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be." 5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like arat in a trap." 6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." 7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." 8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 11) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better." 12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together." 13) "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." 14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless." 15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." 16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." 17) "He's been working with glue too much." 18) "He would argue with a signpost." 19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately." 20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." 21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." 22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one." 23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." 24) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection." 25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." 26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." 27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it." 28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice aweek." 29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." 30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans" 31) "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." 32) "One neuron short of a synapse." 33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." 34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes." 35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
Life Colors Questionair!!
So Funny!!!
Welcome to Webtv's World!!
If you are on Webtv.You will get a laugh at this one!!!
Build your own Date!!!
Wouldn't that be wonderful!!! Only put in the good stuff!!!!


Can you pass the Baby Boomer Quiz? (Proceed at your own risk!) 1. Name the Beatles, first and last names. 2. Finish this line: "Lions, and tigers, and bears ..." (2 words) 3. "Hey kids, what time is it?" (4 words) 4. What do M&Ms do? 5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? 6. Before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we knew him as ... (2 words) 7. "You'll wonder where the yellow went, ..." (7 words) 8. Before he was the Skipper's little buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's best friend, ... (First and last names, and middle initial) 9. "M-I-C See ya real soon. K-E-Y ..." (5 words) 10. A 'streaker' is someone who might run across campus wearing what? 11. "Brylcream: ..." (6 words) 12. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone .... (2 words) 13. "I wonder, wonder who-o-o-o-o ..." (6 words) 14. "War, uh-huh, huh, yeah, what is it good for? ..." (2 words) 15. Where have all the flowers gone? 16. Superman, "disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for truth, justice, and ..." (3 words) 17. Who came from the University of Alabama to become one of the greatest QB's in NFL history and appeared in a TV commercial wearing women's pantyhose? Extra credit if you know his nickname! 18. "I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm strong to the finish ..." (5 words) 19. Who played Peter Pan before all these other imitators? 20. In "The Graduate," Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) was advised about his future and told to consider one thing. What? 21. In 1962, a dejected politician, having lost a race for governor, announced his retirement and chastised the press saying, "Just think, you don't have ... to kick around any more." (2 words) And he lied! 22. "Every morning at the mine you could see him arrive/ He stood six foot six, weighed 245/ Kinda broad at the shoulder and narrow at the hip/ And everybody knew you didn't give no lip to ..." (2 words) 23. Where did Fats Domino find his thrill? (3 words) 24. "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ..." (3 words) 25. "Good night, Chet. ..." (3 words) 26. "Liar, liar, ..." (3 words) And it's not a Jim Carrey movie! 27. "When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star today! Smile! ..." (4 words) 28. Who put the bop in the bop she-bop she-bop? (Socratic answer required.) SROLL DOWN FOR ANSWERS***************************************** ?/--> 8- ) A?/--> 8- ) A?/--> 8- ) A?/--> 8- ) A?/--> 8- ) A?/--> 8- ) A?/--> 8- ) A?/--> 8- ) A?/--> 8- ) A?/--> 8- ) A?/--> 8- ) A?/--> 8- ) A?/--> 8- ) A?/--> 8- ) A?/--> 8- ) A?/--> 8- ) A?/--> 8- ) A?/--> 8- ) A?/--> 8- ) A Here we go with answers: 1. John Lennon, Paul McCartney (Sir), George Harrison, Ringo Starr (Richard Starkey) 2. Oh, my! 3. It's Howdy Doody Time! 4. melt in your mouth, not in your hand. 5. wonder bread 6. Casius Clay 7. "when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent" 8. Maynard G. Crebbs 9. "... why, because we like you" 10. nothing but a smile! 11. "a little dab will do ya" 12. over 30! 13. "...who wrote the book of love" 14. "absolutely nothing!" 15. "they've gone to graveyards, every one." 16. "the American way" 17. "Joe Nameth" aka "Broadway Joe" aka "Joe Willie" 18. "...'cause I eats me spinach" 19. Mary Martin 20. "Plastic" 21. Dick Nixon 22. "Big John" 23. on blueberry hill 24. "...wherever you are" 25. "Good night, David" 26. "...pants on fire" 27. "You're on Candid Camera" 28. "Who put the ram in the ram-a-lamb-a-ding-dong"

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